Fear of Failure and change

I will do anything for others. What will I do for myself? If asked I will refrain from doing what I want for those around me. I can’t make anyone happy because I don’t allow myself to be happy. Even my dreams give no relief.

At 6 am on 6/25 I had a nightmare. There were no monsters but I had never been more terrified. It was a hybrid of past, present, and future. Somehow I stood at my college gallery on the first floor. Creativity and Passion were boundless. I stared at my past creativity. I saw a scene from the universe
and futuristic metal pieces that I had made in the past? I walked thru the building and saw many people in the midst of creativity. Passion and making. I walked up to my old Jewelry and metals room and many people were working studiously. I did not belong. I couldn’t find room to work. They were learning with a fervor and I just stood there looking for a space to join in. I couldn’t. It was a feeling of complete failure and general dissatisfaction.

I have been asking myself what did I want to be when I grew up. Before I decided to go to art school…. I wanted to be a writer. The power of the story. I never felt good enough to follow that passion. Now I have left my art falter as well. I don’t think I will ever be good enough in my minds eye. I need to accept that I am and move on. Easier said then done of course. I let my anxiety build and I shut down. I judge myself more harshly then anyone.

I need to find the will power to change. I don’t want to die with regrets. I give up before I have a chance to succeed. I noticed in the last few days my daughter is doing the same thing. She throws a fit when she isn’t able to figure something out right away. I don’t want her to give up on herself just because I do. I want to be her role model. I want to show her dreams are possible and she is worth it. But I also need to grow as a person because I want it and I deserve it.

I don’t want to pretend my problems and shortcomings don’t exist. I need to acknowledge and move on. 1 thing a day right now. I need to reconnect with life.


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