Surrounded and alone. Sick of the abuse. Of feeling less then I am. I want to let go but I am woven into the cycle. The person I am is pushed to the bottom. No one can save me. My choices have led me here. A moment of silence is freedom. To be somewhere else away from the chaos. I gave up what bring joys. And for what errands? Need to choose better thru the dispair.
It’s a monster inside of me. It tears on the inside, like glass rolling around. It feeds on my energy. I can’t walk without terror. When I feel so alone it is present. I don’t know if I can exist without it. It is my mine and over powers my strength. God help me.
I will do anything for others. What will I do for myself? If asked I will refrain from doing what I want for those around me. I can’t make anyone happy because I don’t allow myself to be happy. Even my dreams give no relief.
At 6 am on 6/25 I had a nightmare. There were no monsters but I had never been more terrified. It was a hybrid of past, present, and future. Somehow I stood at my college gallery on the first floor. Creativity and Passion were boundless. I stared at my past creativity. I saw a scene from the universe
and futuristic metal pieces that I had made in the past? I walked thru the building and saw many people in the midst of creativity. Passion and making. I walked up to my old Jewelry and metals room and many people were working studiously. I did not belong. I couldn’t find room to work. They were learning with a fervor and I just stood there looking for a space to join in. I couldn’t. It was a feeling of complete failure and general dissatisfaction.
I have been asking myself what did I want to be when I grew up. Before I decided to go to art school…. I wanted to be a writer. The power of the story. I never felt good enough to follow that passion. Now I have left my art falter as well. I don’t think I will ever be good enough in my minds eye. I need to accept that I am and move on. Easier said then done of course. I let my anxiety build and I shut down. I judge myself more harshly then anyone.
I need to find the will power to change. I don’t want to die with regrets. I give up before I have a chance to succeed. I noticed in the last few days my daughter is doing the same thing. She throws a fit when she isn’t able to figure something out right away. I don’t want her to give up on herself just because I do. I want to be her role model. I want to show her dreams are possible and she is worth it. But I also need to grow as a person because I want it and I deserve it.
I don’t want to pretend my problems and shortcomings don’t exist. I need to acknowledge and move on. 1 thing a day right now. I need to reconnect with life.
Got me thinking
UPDATE: As of July 2013, this article is the #1 search result on Google for “how to cure anxiety.” In this post, you will learn about the key breakthrough I had that freed me from my mental prison. More than anything else, this change in how I viewed the world gave me my life back. It’s helped tens of thousands of readers, and I hope it can help you as well.
If you’re interested in reading my short memoir, which includes my weekly schedule and every technique that helped cure my anxiety, click here.
Now… on with the post!
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For a long time, I thought I was going crazy. I’d convinced myself that something horribly wrong was about to happen. I thought I would be stabbed, shot, or arrested every time I left my apartment. I was sure that there was an impending disaster that would melt the…
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I am not sure where to find my inner goddess. I am sure she exists. I bound her up in chains and keep her deep in side. I put up my outer walls with divergent conversation.
I possess an addictive personality. My enough button is broken in all aspects of my life. At night I attempt to fall asleep while thinking about my inadequacies.
Loving myself should come first. My vices of food, alcohol, games and shopping need to be curbed. I need purified and a contined focus on my well being. I am the only one who can change me and the only one who should be able to affect my moods.